Tag Archive: Life


December is a time for getting into the spirit… the Tim Tebow spirit.

I will admit, I’m on the Tebow bandwagon and I’ve pretty much chained myself to it. I didn’t watch Tebow when he played for Florida, I didn’t watch him last year toward the end of Denver’s season… the only exposure I had to Tim was an ESPN special “Tim Tebow: Everything In Between.” The special followed Tebow through his preparations for the NFL draft and the various criticisms he endured. AND the only reason I watched that particular documentary was because my fiancé just so happened to have an interest in Tebow…not because I thought it would be interesting.

But it was.

The documentary showed Tebow training “Rocky” style… he trained in state of the art gyms and then returned to his family farm in Florida and continued to train by chopping down trees and pushing large SUVs down the road. On top of his ridiculous work ethic and country-boy charm, he was humble and kind to a fault. The set up for the whole special was that Tebow was fighting odds… and he was on a journey to rise above those odds…and that’s exactly where he’s at again.

Tim Tebow has led the Denver Broncos to seven victories, six of them being come from behind, since he took over for the injured Kyle Orton in week seven. He has simultaneously created a deep and dirty division between those who love him and those who hate him.

There has been controversy after controversy over this young man who honors his God and plays football all at the same time….So much so that I liken him to Miracle on 34th Street’s Santa Claus.

If you haven’t watched this Christmas classic yet this year, I suggest you sit down with a cup of cocoa and a plate of sugar cookies and try to remind yourself of what it’s like to WANT to believe.

At one point during the 1994 version of this holiday flick, Richard Attenborough, who plays Kris Kringle, explains to cynical Doris Walker that Santa Claus isn’t just a childhood frivolity; he argues “I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.”

Kris Kringle’s ability to inspire the city of New York to look inside themselves and answer the simple question “Do you believe?” is what Tim Tebow is doing for the Denver Broncos, the NFL and the American Public….the only difference is he doesn’t want any of the credit.

Tebow is Denver’s Christmas miracle. The analysts can’t explain what he’s done week after week; they are stumped. After the Chicago/Denver game, ESPN’s Trent Dilfer, who has been a Tebow skeptic from the beginning, says that he can’t explain it and something else must be at work… Tebow has baffled analysts, inspired fans and teammates and become an example of what my dad would have always considered to be a good sport.

So whether or not you believe in Tebow’s God, or another god, or no god at all…it’s hard not to think there IS something greater at work when it comes to this young man. Week after week he walks onto a football field and lifts his coaches, teammates and fans up to places they never believed they could be.

Tebow said in the Sunday night post-game interview that if you believe, then you have to believe in UNBELIEVABLE things.

Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos have demonstrated an unwavering faith that has reminded me of what it’s like to believe.

I don’t care if I sound like a moron. I realize life isn’t about football…but what Tebow is representing isn’t just about football either. In a world where trust isn’t freely given and we come to cling to a hard reality and tangible facts, we’ve lost touch with the faith, and sometimes the innocence, that allows us to believe.

While many out there will say Tim Tebow is a man who plays football, I’m going to go out on a limb and say he’s much more than that. He is a “symbol of the human ability to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.”

I’m a believer, are you?

Merry Christmas,

Jammer

Weddings Damage Mental Health

Why is it that when you get engaged, you’re all the sudden supposed to know how the heck to plan a wedding?

For some girls, it’s a dream come true, they’ve spent their entire lives imagining how their wedding will be: the perfect dress, the flowers, the cake and even the groom.

This is not the case with me. Let me be perfectly clear, I’m very much in love with my fiancé and I was thrilled to have gotten engaged to him; however, the looming wedding is a different story.

I think there are a couple of backstory elements that I must share before diving into my hypercritical examination of the wedding planning process…

First, I’m a bit of a control freak…I spent most of my life thinking I was fairly normal until I got to college and my roommate borrowed a pack of my markers. When she gave them back, the markers were out of order. Note: if you are like me, you know exactly what this means, if you’re not, this is where you start to think I’m a little nuts… So I dumped them out and began rearranging them. She asked me what I was doing and I said putting them back in order, doesn’t everyone put their markers away in the ROY G. BIV order??? Then she looked at me like I had orange spots all over my face, like I had just suggested the most unfathomable idea to her, AND that’s when I realized I’m a bit of an organizational/control freak. Mind you, it’s not just because it’s pleasing to the eye or because I’m loopy, I feel like this just makes sense…why WOULDN’T you put them in that order? Seriously! That’s how you buy them! ( I feel it’s relevant to reference Monica from Friends and say that I’m not as obsessive as her, but you could still consider my quirky control/organization quality charming!!)

Second, I grew up as a little girl playing dress up and having Barbie weddings just like I imagine other little girls to do, then I got somewhat jaded by a couple of not so good boyfriends and pretty much gave up on the “happily ever after” mentality. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a man hating, feminist freak who spends most of her time condemning men for all the atrocities that they impose on women, well at least not today anyway…. But I truly imagined my future being a somewhat long, single venture until my late 20s when I would maybe find some mature guy that would treat me well, accept my quirks and be able to deal with how successful my future self would naturally be. (duh, in imagination land you can be freaking awesome!  To give you an idea of the picture in my head, I was jet setting around the world to very important meetings…not sure about what yet, currently I’m still somewhat hung up on the age old question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” but that’s a whole different story folks…)

Ok, so we’ve established that I’m an organizational-control-freak-loner who never thought she’d marry young.

Now, moving on to my obvious impending gripes about wedding planning… It stinks ok? I know I’ve just told you that I’m an organization freak, so I’m sure you’re thinking, piece of (wedding) cake right? You lose.  The example I gave you was of me organizing markers… Not of me planning an event that my dude (fiancé sounds pretentious, so I’m going to use dude from here on out) and I’s closest family and friends will be attending. Plus, there will be PROFESSIONAL photos taken, PROFESSIONAL video taken…this is the one party that I’m supposed to cherish for the rest of my life. So there is obviously no pressure, right? Ha.

There are entire books out there written on how to effectively plan your wedding. They are full of timelines, examples, checklists, questionnaires… tons of crap basically. I have one of these books and it has brought me very little solace. And the worst part is, ALL of the books, magazines, and even my very own mother has said, “this is supposed to be fun!” Are you kidding me? What is fun about it? All the money that I and my wonderful parents (love you guys!!) will be blowing on an event where most likely half the guests will be a little tipsy and might not remember anyway? Or would it be the fact that for an entire day I have to have all eyes on me (not my cup of tea), and play the perfect hostess to 250 people? (Dude and I have big families. I don’t consider us the type of people who actually think that many people care that we’re getting married, it’s just tradition to have all your family present right? I mean, the books say it’s YOUR wedding, invite whoever YOU want, but how am I going to explain to my dad’s second cousin twice removed that I didn’t think her presence should be part of my special day? SERIOUSLY, HOW?)  UGH, Anyway, these books are garbage and all my book has done to help me in the wedding planning process is convince me that every preconceived notion I had about planning a wedding is wrong. I’m basically a wedding planning reject.

I’ve been engaged for a year, so about once for each of the past 12 months, I’ve spread out all of the wedding paraphernalia that I’ve gathered and tried to make sense of it all: this results in an anxiety attack. So, following my brief freak out about how I’m never going to be able to plan this wedding, you know, make all the decisions, pay attention to that much detail, coordinate a million people’s schedules… I pack it all back up and think, “I’ll worry about it later.” Now my friends, later has come and gone several times and I’m still not in a very weddingy mood. I’ve booked a ceremony location, a reception location, bought a dress and bought vases for centerpieces. I’ve had a year, do you understand? And no joke, that’s all I’ve accomplished in one year. And, to be quite frank, most of it has been in the past 5 months. AND, even getting that much done has been a pain in the ass.

Why don’t I hire a wedding planner you say? Someone to take the burden off my shoulders and sit in the driver’s seat while I sleep in the back, occasionally waking up to request a pee break? Because I’m a control freak; and thus the circle is complete. Do you see what I’m getting at? Basically, I don’t want to do it but I also don’t trust anyone else to do it. I know what you’re thinking, “well darling, you better learn to deal with one or the other because right now you sound like a bride with her cute little panties in a twist and it’s your own fault!”

Who knew a wedding was going to not only stress me out on a whole new level, but it was going to reveal pieces of the extreme psychosis I suffer from… Awesome, like that’s going to get me any more excited about this damn wedding.

(Oh God, if I’m like this as a bride, just imagine how awful I’ll be as a pregnant woman…. Don’t worry, I’ll issue a nationwide warning so you all can be on the lookout to avoid me at all costs…I probably won’t want to talk to you anyway… I’m a crazy pregnant woman remember… I’ll probably be consumed with the neurotic conversation I’m having with myself.)

Yikes! Moving on…

Honestly, I would be fine with an elopement of some sort; Dude and I could sneak away to some island and get married just the two of us; it would be lovely. BUT to disappoint 250 family and friends who are expecting a huge bash to celebrate our union, as well as the free meal and open bar… I can’t carry that kind of burden for the rest of my life. I’ll forever be the family reject for being a selfish bride and who deprived them of their chance to express their whole-hearted joy for my brand new marital bliss.

So for all you family members and friends of soon to be married people, show some appreciation for all the hard work that will go into their wedding; they are doing it for you, mostly. (except for those real princess-type girls who’ve dreamed of this all their life… they are pretty much doing it for themselves.)

Official count down to wedding/D-Day: 344 days to go, brought to you by TheKnot.com, one of those great wedding websites that freak me out. (Just an interesting tidbit, according to TheKnot, I have 188 checklist items to accomplish and I’m overdue on 10….do you see why I’m losing it?)

Sincerely Yours,

Jammer

There has long been a legendary mystique surrounding the goings on in the girls’ locker room; men have spent hours of effort to discover what they only assume to be a long lost treasure of girlie tidbits on display in an eye pleasing manner…. (Note to my men readers: If you don’t want the mystery and fantasy destroyed, please stop reading now.)

(From the movie Porky’s…)

The girls’ locker room is nothing of the kind imagined above. It’s relatively uncomfortable and weird if you ask me. Generally, the older the women are, the more liberal they tend to be with their tidbits and quite frankly, the manner in which they are displayed tend to be about five inches lower than where expected.

I’m a gym frequenter and also played many a sport in high school and college, so I know my way around a locker room. Many would consider me a tad on the shy side, so generally I’ve learned various tricks of the trade to maintain my privacy while stripping down in front of strangers. There is the notorious over then underdress…where you put your workout clothes on over your existing clothes and then maneuver the previous clothes off without chancing exposure to the masses. I mastered this in high school where every girl is staring at every other girl, not in the lusty come hither way that most men dream about, but more like the “am I just like everyone else or should I be embarrassed” paranoid, self-conscious teenager way.

The next technique that I developed was the quick change; this is generally reserved for my panty swaps. This came in college and later in life. Now, I know there are many women out there who feel as though a thong is the most comfortable underwear to sport when exercising; I really don’t understand this…. Just what I want, a permanent wedgie while I’m doing squats, weird. I tend to have what I like to call my work out underwear…these are the tried and true, wedgie proof undies that give me the coverage and comfort I yearn for when I’m doing dead lifts and don’t want my cheeks catching a breeze. Anyway, when trying to achieve the quick change, I change everything I can without showing my wares and then prepare for a super speedy swap. I angle myself into a corner of lockers do a quick panty drop and exchange. Warning: proceed with caution because there is a risk of getting tangled in your own panties and falling into the lockers, no doubt calling attention to yourself now bare assed and EM-bare-assed! (yes, I feel as though that was a clever play on words, if you don’t, well, you’re just not as clever as I am then…so boo.)

Now, changing into your gym clothes is half the battle. If you attend a swankier gym that has a sauna and/or a pool, there are other obstacles you must conquer. Generally, I strip down to my skivvies and sports bra for a turn in the sauna…I’ll take a towel in and find a corner and just sweat for a bit. The older ladies again feel no shame in displaying all that god gave them in the sauna…and in here, it’s twice as awkward because you can’t pretend not to have noticed; it’s a small wooden room with one door and nothing going on inside except the profuse sweating of people, more specifically in this case, women. So, as much as you pretend not to see her very white, bare sand bags hanging at her knees, it’s sort of a train wreck that you can’t miss…and then you’re left to contemplate how god awful your own, perky twins will look when you’re that woman’s age. Will you be as proud of them as she is? Will you not give a crap like she does? It’s rather depressing and really doesn’t aid in the relaxation of the whole sauna atmosphere.

Now, I should also warn men that in addition to the old people, who are less than pleasing to look at, it’s a gym where people are coming to GET in shape; well actually, most people have a shape already, it’s just not the one you males are fantasizing about. (I do feel the urge to reprimand all you piggish men for putting ridiculous expectations on us women, but for the time being, I’ll resist…) So, what do we have so far? Shameless old ladies and miscellaneous women of all shapes and sizes….

Next are the weirdos. I’m sorry ladies, but some of you just don’t make sense to me and I’m going to give supporting evidence as to why… First up was the woman just leaving the shower area. Let me paint the picture for you, I was at a locker, practicing my tried and true clothing change techniques when I looked up and saw this woman walking past my row of lockers, having come from the direction of the showers. The row of lockers I was at was just around the corner from the entrance into the locker room. This girl had her wet hair wrapped up in a towel, seemingly normal right? Wrong, while her hair was wrapped up in her towel, she opted to cover her goodies with her hands! One arm across her chest and the other grasping the location of her “woo hoo.” ????? Does anyone see what’s wrong with this picture? Hair covered, but lady parts catching a breeze? I saw this display and thought to myself, what a nut job, if you’re going to take the time to cover up your assets, then just wrap the towel around your body instead of your head, you freak. AND, she was walking right past the entrance! Can you imagine walking through the door and coming face to face with that? HELLO. What if you actually run into her and get a handful of something you’d rather not….her behavior  just doesn’t add up for me…

The other weirdo I encountered recently was one of our favorite senior citizen women. I happen to be in the restroom stall when this woman, I’m assuming, walked up to the mirror and began blow drying her hair, perfectly normal right? WRONG. I walked out my stall and headed for the sinks to wash my hands and all I caught sight of was this old, white woman standing there in a bra with a hairdryer to her head and no panties. So let’s get this straight, she took the time to harness her bazoombas but underwear was too much trouble? Drying her hair was an emergency? What? What is the reason??? I wanted to walk over to her and tell her that her bush wasn’t big enough for her to be hiding behind…and I wasn’t in the mood for a nature walk.

I don’t want you readers to think that I’m a prude, I’m just on the shy side and have no desire to  glance the tatas and hoo hoos of the women I work out next to…. Or any other women for that matter. Yes, brief nudity is a casualty of public locker rooms; I get it. But for the sake of my mental stability and gag reflex, can you please keep it to a BARE minimum? (hahaha, come on, that was funny!)

And someday, when I’m one of the old biddies in the locker room swinging my drooping breasts around for enjoyment, I’ll be looking for that younger version of myself; the girl huddled in the corner, eyes big at saucers at how gross and disgusting I am and I’ll give her a wink….she will think its creepy of course… but I’m assuming at this point, that’s all part of the fun right?

Sincerely Yours,

Jammer

Ok people, in honor of the beginning of the summer sunshine, I thought I’d write a cautionary tale about the killer solar rays and the havoc they wreck on us fair skinned.

Once upon a holiday weekend, a girl and her dude decided to visit some family. In celebration of the beautiful weather and gorgeous sunshine, the girl decided to take the top off of her jeep and enjoy the hour and a half trek toward Richmond, VA.

The two were cruising along with the wind in their hair, literally, and despite VA I-95 being a traffic nightmare most of the time, it was an easy drive.

The two arrived at their destination only to discover that the killer solar rays had burned them to a crisp. Their skinned turned a horrible shade of pink, resulting in very unflattering lines on their skin! It was a horrible sight! As the day wore on, the pink got darker and darker and their skin became untouchable to man and beast alike…while this sounds like a heroic symptom of strength (untouchable skin…), it caused the two an agony that neither could bear! (Imagine this portion of the tale being read to you with increasing despair and suspense! Go on, read it again with the emphasis, I’m telling you…it reads much better that way.)

Then, the eldest of the family provided a magical goop that gave a soothing and cooling sensation to the blistering burns. (Say it with me…Ahhhhhhhh)

But, the damage had been done. The two had to spend the rest of their beautiful holiday weekend indoors, where the killer solar rays could no longer do them harm.

While the two have fought long and hard this past week to regrow their skin and reverse the damaging effects of the sun; the girl has spent hours researching the preventative and protective measures required to keep the killer solar rays at bay. You are part of the select group that the girl has deemed worthy enough to learn and practice these preventative measures; heed her words of wisdom, Wear Sunscreen!!!! (This is more like a commanding bit of wisdom… imagine the sentence sounding like the tiger a la the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin…)

The End….

But in case you missed the moral of the story:

I have partnered with the Skin Cancer Foundation to bring you these fabulous tidbits on what I’m going to call “Stellar Health” (get it? The sun is a star? If you don’t, you suck.)

Guidelines to “Stellar Health”

  1. Wear Sunscreen—-duh.
  2. Don’t use tanning beds—-double duh.

First, let’s review some sunscreen basics that might actually not be basic knowledge to you…knowledge is power people, I’m sure you don’t read this blog to get smarter, but if it happens to be a side effect, just go with it ok?

I’m sure some of you think that because you’re something like a nice Italian skinned stunner with an appealing olive tint, that sunscreen is not a requirement. You’re wrong. And even thought my pasty whiteness is extremely jealous of those gorgeous Italian, Spanish, South American, African and any other pigmented person who doesn’t in fact reflect the sun like I do… Like some long lost genetic reject of the Cullen family…You know, I glow, but it’s not a pretty sparkly glow…just blinding….ANYWAY… you are NOT exempt from learning some valuable stellar health factoids ok?

When selecting a sunscreen, you generally rate them on the reliable factor according to their SPF, which stands for Sun Protector Factor. (I’ll bet you can use that bit in a game of Trivial Pursuit or something…)

Now, because we are all varying shades of opaque, SPF 30 to me might be more like an SPF 45 to someone else; an SPF number is unique to the person…Actually, I think Coopertone should come out with a sunscreen screening test… something that would tell you what SPF is required for all you question marks out there. I know for me, the higher the SPF (say it like Spiffff, just for fun…why not?) the better.

Sunscreens are meant to protect against ultraviolet radiation B, otherwise known as UVB which equals the cause of sunburn.

And for those of you who wear sunscreen, prolonged sun exposure can also make you look icky because most sunscreens don’t protect your body’s largest organ from UVA rays, which cause aging. So if you don’t want to look old as dirt, come on and give the sunscreen a squirt!!  (Yes, Banana Boat, Neutrogena, Hawaiian Tropic, Coppertone and any other sunscreen company…there IS more where that came from…)

Now, I know there are those loophole people out there that think they can just tan in a tanning bed and regulate the amount of damage to their skin…. But you’re doing just as much, if not worse things to that beautiful dermis! Hello…. I’m sure you’ve all seen Snooki………Besides, tanning beds are so 90s.

The “in-thing” now is the infamous spray tan that gives you a golden glow in a matter of minutes without the UV exposure. I’m sure that most people nowadays think that a quick spray down before a tryst in the tropics should hold them over from the killer solar rays, but in fact, a fake tan only acts as approximately a 2-4 SPiF….No bueno people!

Ok, so I know that most of you will probably turn up your nose at my pasty whiteness and prefer a “healthy glow,” so if your plans go wrong, I thought I should also give you some sunburn tips.

To help relieve sunburn you can:

  1. Soak a wash cloth in cold skim milk and place on the burn to relieve the sting
  2. Rub yourself down with the old fall back, ALOE

One last word of caution… the picture below explains it all…

Hope my interpretation of Stellar Health has made you one step closer to pale and pasty.

Sincerely Yours,

Jammer

Hines Ward, now that you’ve won the mirror ball trophy, what are you going to do next? “I’m going to Disney WORLD!”

I can’t express the joy and supreme happiness that I had when Hines kicked Kirstie’s butt! I could go into an in-depth analysis of the three stars last dances and the subsequent results, but you’ve already seen the conclusion; therefore, I’d be boring you. Even Kirstie knew she was toast…watch the rerun and you can see her mouth “of course” after Tom announces Hines as the winner.

I was disappointed for Chelsea; I think it really crushed her to come in third place. She’s become a fantastic dancer and I hope that she continues down that path of performing because she’s a natural at it. I think being on DWTS may have opened some doors for her career and I hope that she gets to sit back and enjoy the ride for a while; like I said, she’s genuinely talented.

I’m also very happy for Kirstie and her gigantic weight loss. I hope she continues being active overall; for her health primarily. I’m wondering when she’s going to launch her career comeback…you know she’s going to give it a go after her monumental success on DWTS….it won’t last long but you’ll have to appreciate her effort, right?

I think that this has been a good season of DWTS and I hope ABC takes some of my suggestions into consideration; I think I’ve made several good points if I don’t say so myself.

Thanks to all the readers who have watched along with me! I want to add that I plan to continue writing but not on dancing related topics…please look forward to articles related to the following topics:

-Reasons to Elope

-A Wealth of Health, OR more like Pocket Change

-Weird, Gross and Huh?, and

-Virginia, what’s not to love?

I Hope you keep reading!! I appreciate your support!

Sincerely  Yours,

Jammer

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