Ok people, in honor of the beginning of the summer sunshine, I thought I’d write a cautionary tale about the killer solar rays and the havoc they wreck on us fair skinned.

Once upon a holiday weekend, a girl and her dude decided to visit some family. In celebration of the beautiful weather and gorgeous sunshine, the girl decided to take the top off of her jeep and enjoy the hour and a half trek toward Richmond, VA.

The two were cruising along with the wind in their hair, literally, and despite VA I-95 being a traffic nightmare most of the time, it was an easy drive.

The two arrived at their destination only to discover that the killer solar rays had burned them to a crisp. Their skinned turned a horrible shade of pink, resulting in very unflattering lines on their skin! It was a horrible sight! As the day wore on, the pink got darker and darker and their skin became untouchable to man and beast alike…while this sounds like a heroic symptom of strength (untouchable skin…), it caused the two an agony that neither could bear! (Imagine this portion of the tale being read to you with increasing despair and suspense! Go on, read it again with the emphasis, I’m telling you…it reads much better that way.)

Then, the eldest of the family provided a magical goop that gave a soothing and cooling sensation to the blistering burns. (Say it with me…Ahhhhhhhh)

But, the damage had been done. The two had to spend the rest of their beautiful holiday weekend indoors, where the killer solar rays could no longer do them harm.

While the two have fought long and hard this past week to regrow their skin and reverse the damaging effects of the sun; the girl has spent hours researching the preventative and protective measures required to keep the killer solar rays at bay. You are part of the select group that the girl has deemed worthy enough to learn and practice these preventative measures; heed her words of wisdom, Wear Sunscreen!!!! (This is more like a commanding bit of wisdom… imagine the sentence sounding like the tiger a la the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin…)

The End….

But in case you missed the moral of the story:

I have partnered with the Skin Cancer Foundation to bring you these fabulous tidbits on what I’m going to call “Stellar Health” (get it? The sun is a star? If you don’t, you suck.)

Guidelines to “Stellar Health”

  1. Wear Sunscreen—-duh.
  2. Don’t use tanning beds—-double duh.

First, let’s review some sunscreen basics that might actually not be basic knowledge to you…knowledge is power people, I’m sure you don’t read this blog to get smarter, but if it happens to be a side effect, just go with it ok?

I’m sure some of you think that because you’re something like a nice Italian skinned stunner with an appealing olive tint, that sunscreen is not a requirement. You’re wrong. And even thought my pasty whiteness is extremely jealous of those gorgeous Italian, Spanish, South American, African and any other pigmented person who doesn’t in fact reflect the sun like I do… Like some long lost genetic reject of the Cullen family…You know, I glow, but it’s not a pretty sparkly glow…just blinding….ANYWAY… you are NOT exempt from learning some valuable stellar health factoids ok?

When selecting a sunscreen, you generally rate them on the reliable factor according to their SPF, which stands for Sun Protector Factor. (I’ll bet you can use that bit in a game of Trivial Pursuit or something…)

Now, because we are all varying shades of opaque, SPF 30 to me might be more like an SPF 45 to someone else; an SPF number is unique to the person…Actually, I think Coopertone should come out with a sunscreen screening test… something that would tell you what SPF is required for all you question marks out there. I know for me, the higher the SPF (say it like Spiffff, just for fun…why not?) the better.

Sunscreens are meant to protect against ultraviolet radiation B, otherwise known as UVB which equals the cause of sunburn.

And for those of you who wear sunscreen, prolonged sun exposure can also make you look icky because most sunscreens don’t protect your body’s largest organ from UVA rays, which cause aging. So if you don’t want to look old as dirt, come on and give the sunscreen a squirt!!  (Yes, Banana Boat, Neutrogena, Hawaiian Tropic, Coppertone and any other sunscreen company…there IS more where that came from…)

Now, I know there are those loophole people out there that think they can just tan in a tanning bed and regulate the amount of damage to their skin…. But you’re doing just as much, if not worse things to that beautiful dermis! Hello…. I’m sure you’ve all seen Snooki………Besides, tanning beds are so 90s.

The “in-thing” now is the infamous spray tan that gives you a golden glow in a matter of minutes without the UV exposure. I’m sure that most people nowadays think that a quick spray down before a tryst in the tropics should hold them over from the killer solar rays, but in fact, a fake tan only acts as approximately a 2-4 SPiF….No bueno people!

Ok, so I know that most of you will probably turn up your nose at my pasty whiteness and prefer a “healthy glow,” so if your plans go wrong, I thought I should also give you some sunburn tips.

To help relieve sunburn you can:

  1. Soak a wash cloth in cold skim milk and place on the burn to relieve the sting
  2. Rub yourself down with the old fall back, ALOE

One last word of caution… the picture below explains it all…

Hope my interpretation of Stellar Health has made you one step closer to pale and pasty.

Sincerely Yours,

Jammer